In the bottom drawer of my nightstand I found the journal I'd been keeping for nearly a year that for some reason or another I'd neglected since returning to Boise. Maybe I should clarify "journal" I don't necessarily date every entry and remark on events of each day; it's more like a mass scribbling of thoughts, lists, questions, and lots of quotes. I remember things better that way and they make more sense (plus I think it's less boring).
Anyway, I found this passage taken from Nicholson's play Shadowlands which I studied in my senior seminar class. I remember being very reluctant to read the play because it dealt with C.S. Lewis' life teaching in Oxford and falling in love. The only thing appealing to me about it was the Oxford part. Maybe it's because I hear C.S. Lewis quoted so much it becomes cliche and well...who likes being cliche? Well, the play humbled me. This quote humbles me (C.S. Lewis' character says this):
"I think that God doesn't necessarily want us to be happy. He wants us to be lovable. Worthy of love. Able to be loved by Him. We don't start off being all that lovable, if we're honest. What makes people hard to love? Isn't it what is commonly called selfishness? Selfish people are hard to love because so little love comes out of them."
Every time I read that my pride gets stung because it rings true to me. If only I could always be reminded of this. Is there love coming out of me? Do the people I love know that I care? Sadly, I really don't know. The other night I was talking with a dear friend about the importance of actions. It's so easy for me to constantly think things over in my head, come to conclusions of how I feel, feel content without ever saying or doing anything.
To the outside observer, I'm easily perceived as a quiet, stuck-up girl who doesn't need anyone (I'm not saying this blindly, usually these are the first impressions people have told me they get from me). I need to concentrate more on actually showing others how I feel, expressing my thoughts and allowing myself to love and be loved. I think I allow my fear of getting hurt overcome any sort of action which is terrible. Just writing this makes me uncomfortable because I'm exposing quiet thoughts. But I have to start somewhere. Even if it is on my narcissistic blog.
lindsay: you are me. i work through loving people--how to love him, what i need more of, what he needs more of, what to make us happier, all of it--inside of me, and then lay it to rest. it never makes it to the outside world. and that breaks hearts.
ReplyDeletei remember sitting on my bed. i remember watching moonstruck. i think that somehow those days shored us up, built our armor...or at least our quiet rooms...so when we DO have all these little pieces of heart broken in our hands, we have somewhere and someone peaceful and healing to go to. i love you for that.