My Apologies

I recently decided to return to Facebook and I'm still not sure it's a good thing. Originally I left because I felt that I spent too much time on it psuedo-communicating with friends instead of actual interaction. Plus, I realized that I began forming opinions about people that didn't exactly match up to the person I knew and I wanted to keep the real person's identity in my life instead of the Facebook identity. That said, it's been a little over a year and a half since I decided to simply not get on the social network when I realized that all of those friends and relationships that I had seemed to have vanished. I thought once I removed myself from online communication I would interact more directly with my friends but that didn't happen.

I lean more towards the hermit side of life; read: I'm a private person. Sometimes that can be a struggle when so much of ourselves is online these days thus I feel the pressure to divulge certain things, but cautiously. Me writing this post is difficult but I admit that there is a gratifying sense of release whenever I venture into the realms of my blog.

Sadly, through getting away from Facebook I've apparently cut my ties to most of my friends. I'm not sure how I feel about this completely. I understand that friendship is a two-way street; sure, they could have tried to keep in touch with me but when someone just vanishes off your radar and makes contact more difficult (ie picking up the phone, writing a letter or email--funny how emails are more personal these days) then why would you remember to send them a quick "hello"? Now, I've begun to wonder if maybe I'm just a boring person to be around and that maybe it's a relief for my old friends to not have to communicate with me anymore. This sounds like a self-pitying comment but I'm really starting to think it's the case.

Also, I've made A LOT of mistakes in my life in so many areas. I don't think that I've been a good friend at all. I really want to be and I think that I allow my anxieties to get in the way of that; I'm really great at worrying and second-guessing (same thing?) which causes me to forgo the quick hello, or phone call I want to make to an old friend and instead focus on those immediately in front of me. In short, I just feel awful.

A couple of friends have taken the time to keep in touch and I cherish them more now than before seeing the unresponsiveness of others that I've received as of late. I don't want to cast my old friends in a bad light; they are such great, amazing people. Like I said, I've been a bad friend, they are not to blame.

This whole post feels strange to write but I'd rather get it out and then be over it. This helps me to recognize my disappointments in myself, to still hold my love for all of my friends and to focus on those whom I cherish whether they respond or not. Everyone needs a friend and I'm so grateful to those in my life who have been constant companions even though I have not always been there myself.