Thursday, May 10, 2012

My Apologies

I recently decided to return to Facebook and I'm still not sure it's a good thing. Originally I left because I felt that I spent too much time on it psuedo-communicating with friends instead of actual interaction. Plus, I realized that I began forming opinions about people that didn't exactly match up to the person I knew and I wanted to keep the real person's identity in my life instead of the Facebook identity. That said, it's been a little over a year and a half since I decided to simply not get on the social network when I realized that all of those friends and relationships that I had seemed to have vanished. I thought once I removed myself from online communication I would interact more directly with my friends but that didn't happen.

I lean more towards the hermit side of life; read: I'm a private person. Sometimes that can be a struggle when so much of ourselves is online these days thus I feel the pressure to divulge certain things, but cautiously. Me writing this post is difficult but I admit that there is a gratifying sense of release whenever I venture into the realms of my blog.

Sadly, through getting away from Facebook I've apparently cut my ties to most of my friends. I'm not sure how I feel about this completely. I understand that friendship is a two-way street; sure, they could have tried to keep in touch with me but when someone just vanishes off your radar and makes contact more difficult (ie picking up the phone, writing a letter or email--funny how emails are more personal these days) then why would you remember to send them a quick "hello"? Now, I've begun to wonder if maybe I'm just a boring person to be around and that maybe it's a relief for my old friends to not have to communicate with me anymore. This sounds like a self-pitying comment but I'm really starting to think it's the case.

Also, I've made A LOT of mistakes in my life in so many areas. I don't think that I've been a good friend at all. I really want to be and I think that I allow my anxieties to get in the way of that; I'm really great at worrying and second-guessing (same thing?) which causes me to forgo the quick hello, or phone call I want to make to an old friend and instead focus on those immediately in front of me. In short, I just feel awful.

A couple of friends have taken the time to keep in touch and I cherish them more now than before seeing the unresponsiveness of others that I've received as of late. I don't want to cast my old friends in a bad light; they are such great, amazing people. Like I said, I've been a bad friend, they are not to blame.

This whole post feels strange to write but I'd rather get it out and then be over it. This helps me to recognize my disappointments in myself, to still hold my love for all of my friends and to focus on those whom I cherish whether they respond or not. Everyone needs a friend and I'm so grateful to those in my life who have been constant companions even though I have not always been there myself.


  1. I've been thinking about you Lindsay. Shauna and I were talking about you and I wondering what you are up to. I miss you. I want to see you in person and catch up. I know you are up to amazing things and I just wanna hear about it. I don't even know if you are living in Idaho or Washington. Or maybe somewhere else. Are you writing? doing something in the arts? Engaged? New hobbies? Just tell me everything.

  2. Girl, I have always felt you are a wonderful friend and so thoughtful. I love that we can share books and art, and that no matter the time that passes I always feel incredibly loved and close regardless of the time that passes in between. Your words, whether in an email, letter or blog, always speak right to my soul.

    I have had a similar dilema with face-book/blogging and wanting to maintain a true idetity/repesentation of myself, and create real non-internet relationships. But these avenues really have helped me connect with people I never became close with while at school. This is a lengthy comment!


  3. gosh i miss you lindsay! i too get bummed and sad that i dont do a great job nourishing those friendships that i really cherish. my high school friends, my rexburg friends, my salt lake friends. it's hard! and it does take effort from both parties. but i know there is more that i could do. i think you're the best lindsay! you're kind and smart and so super talented. summer 08 was magical huh! i wish we lived close. can you visit CA soon!? anyway, lets catch up soon ok!
    xo kristine